Coping With the Opposite of Sex: A coffee table book for the other half.

Many authors and publishing companies have amassed fortunes by publishing and re-publishing a seemingly endless line of books geared toward helping the single and married alike cope with the opposite sex. The demographic for these books is astoundingly large. However, there is a whole portion of society that is completely over-looked in the self-help section of the bookstore. We are referring of course to the sexually active and sexually interested.

“Coping With the Opposite of Sex is a landmark in the publishing world as far as self-help is concerned.” commented spokesperson Cathy Russell from New Life Publishing. “We are very excited to be releasing this book to a long over-do and very eager public.” The book is expected to top the New York Times bestseller list immediately upon release. “We are thinking, Harry Potter meets Dr. Ruth, in terms of numbers. So yeah, it’s going to be a very good year for our share-holders!”

The book caters to the portion of the public that doesn’t have a hard time coping with the opposite sex, and isn’t constantly dwelling on Cosmo topics, like “What are men/women thinking???” or “How Do I please him/her orally???” And of course the ever popular, “Do you have at least twelve more positions for me and my hubby to try, even though we won’t, and even though they aren’t really new???” The concept of the book is to guide those that really miss fornication during those dry periods in between relationships, or when they just can’t talk someone into coming home and sleeping with them. This demographic, though previously untapped by the self-help world, is expected to be nearly as large as those that are afraid of sex.

Some of the chapters in the book include, “The joys of masturbation (and a few new tricks for old pros).”, “Love is fleeting and so is nightly Falatio”, “Not getting any- Don’t be a bitch about it.”, and “Why date-rape is NOT an acceptable form of sexual release.” If this book succeeds in accomplishing what it promises it can, then the planet Earth is expected to be a much more relaxed and friendly world after it’s release.

Some high marks already received from advanced reviews.

“This book…is…awesome…and totally… worth…the money.”
-Dr. Bungalow, PhD. Accepted expert in the field of sexual frustration.

“If I had read this book when I was twenty I might have never done what I did.”
-Jake Janick, currently serving 25 years to life for the rape of an ex-girlfriend.

“This book has made it much easier for me to do my job…correctly.”
-Father McNanna. Head Pastor at St. Patrick’s Church, St. Charles, IL.

“Before I read this book, I was…well, a bitch to everyone I knew. I was a bitch, because I deeply wanted sex, but wasn’t getting any suitors. Now I feel just fine, and I have a lot more friends to show for it. Oh, and by friends I don’t just mean an excessive number of pets anymore. Thanks, New Life!”
-Mary Ann Coulter. Head of regional sales, RIM Industries.

With the positive press surrounding this book, and the overwhelming anticipation of a demographic that has long-yearned for a space on the Self-Help book-shelf, it is no wonder New Life is expecting an unprecedented success. If you are someone who feels they would benefit from this book, pre-orders are available at most chain book stores, and the official release is set for November of 2005. As Cathy Russell said in her closing statements at the press conference, “There is a brave new world waiting with the rising of tomorrow’s sun. New Life Publishing is doing its part to make that Brave New World, a happier, more relaxed and healthier one.” Now we just wait and see.

Woman gains notoriety for 'First Virgin-Whore Wives Club'

Bartlett, IL- In this cozy village with a population of just over 20,000, property cost is going up, businesses are flourishing, and crime is nearly non-existent. To many it is the quintessential family environment they've longed for all their lives. Men leave for work in the morning, wives buy groceries in the afternoon, and children attend some of the newest schools in the area. Within the seemingly cookie-cutter framework of this sleepy suburban village, though, something new and different has taken form. The first recorded Virgin-Whore Wives Club, began by Martha Swanson in 2004, is now making ripples in towns and big cities all across the country.

The Elgin Report! contacted miss Swanson by phone looking for details as to the meaning and necessity of the club. "It's a place where wives whom have all been stricken with the same disease, can meet to discuss their feelings and or resentments and try to live out the rest of their lives with some sense of peace." The Elgin Report! was still in the dark though, as far as what exactly a "virgin-whore" is. "A virgin-whore is someone who saved themselves until their wedding night only to find out after consummating their marriage, that they were in fact whores. Biblically speaking of course." Ms. Swanson continued, “All of the women involved in these meetings did at some point find out after their marriage consummation that they were whores from birth- born as wolves in sheep’s clothing if you will.”

The thought lingered in our minds. How could, even in extreme religious circles, a women be pronounced a whore if she never indulged in sexual intercourse prior to proper marriage? It seemed to betray all laws which had previously been accepted as dogmatic by Christian sects. We contacted Ms. Swanson once again for additional comment, however a man answered. Mr. Swanson refused to lend the phone to his wife. Assuming we had been stopped dead in our tracks, we were about to call it a day, but then we had a clever idea. What if we used Mr. Swanson to get our answers?

Our plan worked famously. Mr. Swanson albeit hard-headed is not very deft, and was easily manipulated. After maneuvering into Mr. Swanson’s confidence using brilliant social engineering skills, we asked him how his wife first learned of her disease. He told us proudly that he was the one to realize and bring to light the unfortunate matter which belied their once near-perfect relationship. “About six-months into our marriage a strange change began occurring with my… er… biology, if you will. You see I was no longer aroused by my wife. I was a stud in high school and certainly never experienced such a thing before. It became clear to me that my body’s inability to… er… perform was not at all my fault. My body was merely showing me its physical repulsion to something ugly in my dear wife. Both of us have always been devout Christians. That is why I knew immediately, and Martha also came to accept, that sometimes a person is a dirty whore from birth.”

Martha Swanson is the first self-described ‘virgin-whore’, and recently has been the Shepard for countless other women, all of whom have had to wrangle with the same type of post-marriage degradation. It is expected that at least 98% of all so-called ‘virgin-whores’ were found to be so only after marriage, and usually through the supreme guidance of their husband. With the obviously religious sub-text beneath all of this, the Elgin Report! was curious if their was not truly a medical conclusion underlying the whole matter. Perhaps these women were not truly whores. Perhaps they would not have to go to hell when they died, and part ways with their husbands, as Martha instructs will happen in her classes and upcoming book. We contacted and old friend, Dr. Bungalow- A leading Dr. in the fields of sexual confusion and sexual frustration, as well as the author of the best-selling “The Real World, Sex and YOU: Stop being afraid!”

“Ah yes, the mythical ‘virgin-whore’. You see I am not at all surprised that this finally popped up. Science has known for years that it was only a matter of time. Allow me to explain.” Dr. Bungalow shifted a bit in his seat, correcting his glasses at the same moment, “You see, in the late eighties a case file for a young women named Linda Jacknick, was brought to my attention. In those days I was one of the primary physicians in a hospital psych-ward. The young woman was mind-boggling, and as you might expect, quite an exciting find for a scientist working in my field. She was a beautiful twenty-five year old newly-wed, who had married a wealthy lawyer, and the two of them were truly pillars of their community.” Dr. Bungalow paused, “Sounds perfect, but wait for the other shoe. Within a week of consummating their marriage and returning from their honey moon, the woman had lost all interest in sex. It later came out during discussions with the [ex] husband that they had never made the physical act of love prior to their marriage. She was a ‘virgin-prude’. It also later came out that even on the honey-moon she had actually maneuvered herself in such a way as to never literally commit… the act… technically. So since then science has left the door open for the inevitable opposite or ‘virgin-whore’ as it’s now known.”

This indicated to us that the situation was not truly a religious matter, but strictly a medical issue. However, we were still confused as to whether the matter was a mental illness or a physical illness or both, and was it strictly on the part of the wife? Could the husbands be at fault as well?

Dr. Bungalow was happy to tend to our confusion. “I do not believe it is a religious matter, no. There was a time when all of us scientists were desperately trying to win out over religion, and so we went to great lengths in order to prove everything was religiously based, and therefore prove God’s existence. Basically we figured if we proved his existence we would eliminate Faith, and therefore debunk the whole game. Well… that was then and this is now. We are all a lot older, and have better things to do then deal in mythology, and play god-hunter for bragging rights. I digress. The matter is generally mental, but the mental controls the physical. In the case of ‘virgin-prudes’ the problem definitely stems from the wife. In the case of Linda Jacknick the problem was deeply rooted in her sub-conscious, and seemed evident that she was the victim of extreme sexual repression due to hard-right religious and downright stale parenting. Unfortunately her disease got the best of her in the end. During a trial-period when we implemented vibrating hospital beds that were deemed good for the back, and a steal at a quarter a turn, she lost control and exploded right there in the hospital room. The old girl never knew what hit her.” Dr. Bungalow paused briefly out of respect, “In the case of virgin-whores I fear it is just the opposite. I fear that the problem is not at all in the wives, but in the husbands. This is evidenced by the fact that it is almost always the husband who discovers the disease, and only after he has failed to perform his manly duties in the bedroom. The victims here, the wives, are so in denial of their own power as individuals that they believe, hand in mouth, their husbands must be correct. If my theory proves to be fact, then no one will ever benefit from Martha Swanson or her groups for ‘un-empowered wives of the impudent’. At least that is what I call them.”

The "Five Stages of a Cult" worksheet.

In late 2002 I was forcibly removed from the roadways by a pig that could talk and polish his shoes almost as well as an actual human being. The pig, who went by the very human sounding name of Lt. McCarthy, informed me that I was under arrest. My charge was D.W.I.C. or for those that don’t quite understand, Driving While Inciting a Cult. I too did not understand at first, and so the bastard farm animal oinked it loudly into my ear, while simultaneously cuffing my hands behind my back. The swine’s snout was so close to my neck I could feel his snot leaking down my collar. The awful truth is that I was powerless to wipe it away.

The court handed down a laundry list of menial tasks which would theoretically relinquish my record of this dirty crime. One such task was a class called Early Intervention which was specifically designed for those that posed a possible threat to society as potential cult leaders. Rest assured, I did not consider myself a threat in the least, but attended and nodded accordingly expressing remorse when necessary, in order to fulfill my penance to the court for my awful crime against the people.

During one of the classes we had to participate in an interactive worksheet which took us through the ‘Five Stages Of a Cult’- From it’s inception to it’s demise. It was hilarious to read, at times ridiculously absurd and other times embarrassingly accurate. Curiously it all wraps up in one drug induced evening. I thought the readers of the Elgin Report! might have fun with this. See if you can spot where you fall on the list!

The Five stages of a Cult
Brought you by the Foundation For a Cult-less Future.

Stage 1: Your friend invites you over to his house on a work night. He tells you that his roommate, and a few of your closest friends are going to experiment with hallucinogenic, or “mind expanding” drugs. At first you are hesitant, but then you say to yourself, “Hey, no drug can beat me! Besides, they work early too. I’ll just leave when they go to bed, and I’ll be cool.”

Stage 2: You arrive at your friends house and take the drug. After a half an hour or so it begins to take effect. You suddenly find yourself in a deep conversation about the meaning of life, and the true message of Jesus Christ. You feel yourself losing grasp of time and also reality. You think to yourself, “Man, I don’t know what time it is, but as long as these guys keep going then so will I. Besides they work early too. As long as I leave when they go to bed, I’M COOL!”

Stage 3: One of your friends that lives at the house rips his shirt off and proclaims that Jesus spoke to him in a dream, and that he was told to bring together this specific group of people. He proposes that everyone join him in the creation of a utopian society, after of course, the necessary females are recruited(as none are present). He continues to explain that the substance you had eaten upon arriving was actually Jesus’ body, and that his blood was chilling in the fridge. The other person that lives in the house excuses himself to his rooms stating that he has to work in the morning, and that the drug doesn’t seem to be working. You say to yourself, “That man is the devil! He does not hear the word of the lord! As long as I stick with my new family I will be provided for! I’M COOL!”

Stage 4: The night wears on, but you do not notice. It is now mere hours before you normally awaken for work. There is growing speculation among the group that the spaceship, which will transport you to the utopian society, is resting quietly behind the rising sun. It is clear now that the physical body will not be needed on the utopian planet. The concept of the inferior female has been completely abolished. Preparations are made for the final voyage to the mother-ship. Your leader now thinks for you. He says, “As long as we all join the ship at the same time, and by 06:00 AM on Earth… We’re cool!”

Stage 5: You re-assure yourself over and over that “You’re cool, you’re cool” as long as you do as your leader instructs. The leader emerges rapidly from the kitchen shouting that the wretched FBI are on the outside of the house and want in. In his hands is a big bowl of chilled gelatin that he refers to as the blood of Christ, and says that after consumption communion will be complete and all will be transported to the ship behind the sun (which is now high in the sky). You eat the red gelatin and soon pass-out never to awaken. The cult is dead and so are you.

Conclusion: A very short-while after the suicide, the friend that went to bed early comes out of his room to get ready for work. He finds all of his close friends and his roommate laying on the floor with Nike shoes on, and bags over their heads. They are all dead. The FBI is not outside, and he is now forced to live with the image of a cult after it has self-destructed. He is the only friend that thought for himself and went to bed in time to get up for work. He is the only one still alive.

Where do you fall?

Stage 1: You are not in great danger of joining a cult.

Stage 2: You experiment with harmful drugs, and pose a threat yourself in the long run, but will probably not die in a cult suicide.

Stage 3: You are risking potential death by suicide, unless you follow the example of the friend that went to bed early.

Stage 4: You are in serious danger, and are very impressionable. You NEED to seek help soon.

Stage 5: You do not have your own brain. You are totally under the spell of a cult leader. There is no help for you. You are probably scheduling a mass-suicide right about now.