THE ELGIN REPORT!

Coping With the Opposite of Sex: A coffee table book for the other half.

2005-05-02T17:04:00.000-05:00

Many authors and publishing companies have amassed fortunes by publishing and re-publishing a seemingly endless line of books geared toward helping the single and married alike cope with the opposite sex. The demographic for these books is astoundingly large. However, there is a whole portion of society that is completely over-looked in the self-help section of the bookstore. We are referring of course to the sexually active and sexually interested.

“Coping With the Opposite of Sex is a landmark in the publishing world as far as self-help is concerned.” commented spokesperson Cathy Russell from New Life Publishing. “We are very excited to be releasing this book to a long over-do and very eager public.” The book is expected to top the New York Times bestseller list immediately upon release. “We are thinking, Harry Potter meets Dr. Ruth, in terms of numbers. So yeah, it’s going to be a very good year for our share-holders!”

The book caters to the portion of the public that doesn’t have a hard time coping with the opposite sex, and isn’t constantly dwelling on Cosmo topics, like “What are men/women thinking???” or “How Do I please him/her orally???” And of course the ever popular, “Do you have at least twelve more positions for me and my hubby to try, even though we won’t, and even though they aren’t really new???” The concept of the book is to guide those that really miss fornication during those dry periods in between relationships, or when they just can’t talk someone into coming home and sleeping with them. This demographic, though previously untapped by the self-help world, is expected to be nearly as large as those that are afraid of sex.

Some of the chapters in the book include, “The joys of masturbation (and a few new tricks for old pros).”, “Love is fleeting and so is nightly Falatio”, “Not getting any- Don’t be a bitch about it.”, and “Why date-rape is NOT an acceptable form of sexual release.” If this book succeeds in accomplishing what it promises it can, then the planet Earth is expected to be a much more relaxed and friendly world after it’s release.

Some high marks already received from advanced reviews.

“This book…is…awesome…and totally… worth…the money.”
-Dr. Bungalow, PhD. Accepted expert in the field of sexual frustration.

“If I had read this book when I was twenty I might have never done what I did.”
-Jake Janick, currently serving 25 years to life for the rape of an ex-girlfriend.

“This book has made it much easier for me to do my job…correctly.”
-Father McNanna. Head Pastor at St. Patrick’s Church, St. Charles, IL.

“Before I read this book, I was…well, a bitch to everyone I knew. I was a bitch, because I deeply wanted sex, but wasn’t getting any suitors. Now I feel just fine, and I have a lot more friends to show for it. Oh, and by friends I don’t just mean an excessive number of pets anymore. Thanks, New Life!”
-Mary Ann Coulter. Head of regional sales, RIM Industries.

With the positive press surrounding this book, and the overwhelming anticipation of a demographic that has long-yearned for a space on the Self-Help book-shelf, it is no wonder New Life is expecting an unprecedented success. If you are someone who feels they would benefit from this book, pre-orders are available at most chain book stores, and the official release is set for November of 2005. As Cathy Russell said in her closing statements at the press conference, “There is a brave new world waiting with the rising of tomorrow’s sun. New Life Publishing is doing its part to make that Brave New World, a happier, more relaxed and healthier one.” Now we just wait and see.

Woman gains notoriety for 'First Virgin-Whore Wives Club'

2005-03-31T16:32:00.000-06:00

Bartlett, IL- In this cozy village with a population of just over 20,000, property cost is going up, businesses are flourishing, and crime is nearly non-existent. To many it is the quintessential family environment they've longed for all their lives. Men leave for work in the morning, wives buy groceries in the afternoon, and children attend some of the newest schools in the area. Within the seemingly cookie-cutter framework of this sleepy suburban village, though, something new and different has taken form. The first recorded Virgin-Whore Wives Club, began by Martha Swanson in 2004, is now making ripples in towns and big cities all across the country.

The Elgin Report! contacted miss Swanson by phone looking for details as to the meaning and necessity of the club. "It's a place where wives whom have all been stricken with the same disease, can meet to discuss their feelings and or resentments and try to live out the rest of their lives with some sense of peace." The Elgin Report! was still in the dark though, as far as what exactly a "virgin-whore" is. "A virgin-whore is someone who saved themselves until their wedding night only to find out after consummating their marriage, that they were in fact whores. Biblically speaking of course." Ms. Swanson continued, “All of the women involved in these meetings did at some point find out after their marriage consummation that they were whores from birth- born as wolves in sheep’s clothing if you will.”

The thought lingered in our minds. How could, even in extreme religious circles, a women be pronounced a whore if she never indulged in sexual intercourse prior to proper marriage? It seemed to betray all laws which had previously been accepted as dogmatic by Christian sects. We contacted Ms. Swanson once again for additional comment, however a man answered. Mr. Swanson refused to lend the phone to his wife. Assuming we had been stopped dead in our tracks, we were about to call it a day, but then we had a clever idea. What if we used Mr. Swanson to get our answers?

Our plan worked famously. Mr. Swanson albeit hard-headed is not very deft, and was easily manipulated. After maneuvering into Mr. Swanson’s confidence using brilliant social engineering skills, we asked him how his wife first learned of her disease. He told us proudly that he was the one to realize and bring to light the unfortunate matter which belied their once near-perfect relationship. “About six-months into our marriage a strange change began occurring with my… er… biology, if you will. You see I was no longer aroused by my wife. I was a stud in high school and certainly never experienced such a thing before. It became clear to me that my body’s inability to… er… perform was not at all my fault. My body was merely showing me its physical repulsion to something ugly in my dear wife. Both of us have always been devout Christians. That is why I knew immediately, and Martha also came to accept, that sometimes a person is a dirty whore from birth.”

Martha Swanson is the first self-described ‘virgin-whore’, and recently has been the Shepard for countless other women, all of whom have had to wrangle with the same type of post-marriage degradation. It is expected that at least 98% of all so-called ‘virgin-whores’ were found to be so only after marriage, and usually through the supreme guidance of their husband. With the obviously religious sub-text beneath all of this, the Elgin Report! was curious if their was not truly a medical conclusion underlying the whole matter. Perhaps these women were not truly whores. Perhaps they would not have to go to hell when they died, and part ways with their husbands, as Martha instructs will happen in her classes and upcoming book. We contacted and old friend, Dr. Bungalow- A leading Dr. in the fields of sexual confusion and sexual frustration, as well as the author of the best-selling “The Real World, Sex and YOU: Stop being afraid!”

“Ah yes, the mythical ‘virgin-whore’. You see I am not at all surprised that this finally popped up. Science has known for years that it was only a matter of time. Allow me to explain.” Dr. Bungalow shifted a bit in his seat, correcting his glasses at the same moment, “You see, in the late eighties a case file for a young women named Linda Jacknick, was brought to my attention. In those days I was one of the primary physicians in a hospital psych-ward. The young woman was mind-boggling, and as you might expect, quite an exciting find for a scientist working in my field. She was a beautiful twenty-five year old newly-wed, who had married a wealthy lawyer, and the two of them were truly pillars of their community.” Dr. Bungalow paused, “Sounds perfect, but wait for the other shoe. Within a week of consummating their marriage and returning from their honey moon, the woman had lost all interest in sex. It later came out during discussions with the [ex] husband that they had never made the physical act of love prior to their marriage. She was a ‘virgin-prude’. It also later came out that even on the honey-moon she had actually maneuvered herself in such a way as to never literally commit… the act… technically. So since then science has left the door open for the inevitable opposite or ‘virgin-whore’ as it’s now known.”

This indicated to us that the situation was not truly a religious matter, but strictly a medical issue. However, we were still confused as to whether the matter was a mental illness or a physical illness or both, and was it strictly on the part of the wife? Could the husbands be at fault as well?

Dr. Bungalow was happy to tend to our confusion. “I do not believe it is a religious matter, no. There was a time when all of us scientists were desperately trying to win out over religion, and so we went to great lengths in order to prove everything was religiously based, and therefore prove God’s existence. Basically we figured if we proved his existence we would eliminate Faith, and therefore debunk the whole game. Well… that was then and this is now. We are all a lot older, and have better things to do then deal in mythology, and play god-hunter for bragging rights. I digress. The matter is generally mental, but the mental controls the physical. In the case of ‘virgin-prudes’ the problem definitely stems from the wife. In the case of Linda Jacknick the problem was deeply rooted in her sub-conscious, and seemed evident that she was the victim of extreme sexual repression due to hard-right religious and downright stale parenting. Unfortunately her disease got the best of her in the end. During a trial-period when we implemented vibrating hospital beds that were deemed good for the back, and a steal at a quarter a turn, she lost control and exploded right there in the hospital room. The old girl never knew what hit her.” Dr. Bungalow paused briefly out of respect, “In the case of virgin-whores I fear it is just the opposite. I fear that the problem is not at all in the wives, but in the husbands. This is evidenced by the fact that it is almost always the husband who discovers the disease, and only after he has failed to perform his manly duties in the bedroom. The victims here, the wives, are so in denial of their own power as individuals that they believe, hand in mouth, their husbands must be correct. If my theory proves to be fact, then no one will ever benefit from Martha Swanson or her groups for ‘un-empowered wives of the impudent’. At least that is what I call them.”

The "Five Stages of a Cult" worksheet.

2005-03-18T11:57:00.000-06:00

In late 2002 I was forcibly removed from the roadways by a pig that could talk and polish his shoes almost as well as an actual human being. The pig, who went by the very human sounding name of Lt. McCarthy, informed me that I was under arrest. My charge was D.W.I.C. or for those that don’t quite understand, Driving While Inciting a Cult. I too did not understand at first, and so the bastard farm animal oinked it loudly into my ear, while simultaneously cuffing my hands behind my back. The swine’s snout was so close to my neck I could feel his snot leaking down my collar. The awful truth is that I was powerless to wipe it away.

The court handed down a laundry list of menial tasks which would theoretically relinquish my record of this dirty crime. One such task was a class called Early Intervention which was specifically designed for those that posed a possible threat to society as potential cult leaders. Rest assured, I did not consider myself a threat in the least, but attended and nodded accordingly expressing remorse when necessary, in order to fulfill my penance to the court for my awful crime against the people.

During one of the classes we had to participate in an interactive worksheet which took us through the ‘Five Stages Of a Cult’- From it’s inception to it’s demise. It was hilarious to read, at times ridiculously absurd and other times embarrassingly accurate. Curiously it all wraps up in one drug induced evening. I thought the readers of the Elgin Report! might have fun with this. See if you can spot where you fall on the list!

The Five stages of a Cult
Brought you by the Foundation For a Cult-less Future.

Stage 1: Your friend invites you over to his house on a work night. He tells you that his roommate, and a few of your closest friends are going to experiment with hallucinogenic, or “mind expanding” drugs. At first you are hesitant, but then you say to yourself, “Hey, no drug can beat me! Besides, they work early too. I’ll just leave when they go to bed, and I’ll be cool.”

Stage 2: You arrive at your friends house and take the drug. After a half an hour or so it begins to take effect. You suddenly find yourself in a deep conversation about the meaning of life, and the true message of Jesus Christ. You feel yourself losing grasp of time and also reality. You think to yourself, “Man, I don’t know what time it is, but as long as these guys keep going then so will I. Besides they work early too. As long as I leave when they go to bed, I’M COOL!”

Stage 3: One of your friends that lives at the house rips his shirt off and proclaims that Jesus spoke to him in a dream, and that he was told to bring together this specific group of people. He proposes that everyone join him in the creation of a utopian society, after of course, the necessary females are recruited(as none are present). He continues to explain that the substance you had eaten upon arriving was actually Jesus’ body, and that his blood was chilling in the fridge. The other person that lives in the house excuses himself to his rooms stating that he has to work in the morning, and that the drug doesn’t seem to be working. You say to yourself, “That man is the devil! He does not hear the word of the lord! As long as I stick with my new family I will be provided for! I’M COOL!”

Stage 4: The night wears on, but you do not notice. It is now mere hours before you normally awaken for work. There is growing speculation among the group that the spaceship, which will transport you to the utopian society, is resting quietly behind the rising sun. It is clear now that the physical body will not be needed on the utopian planet. The concept of the inferior female has been completely abolished. Preparations are made for the final voyage to the mother-ship. Your leader now thinks for you. He says, “As long as we all join the ship at the same time, and by 06:00 AM on Earth… We’re cool!”

Stage 5: You re-assure yourself over and over that “You’re cool, you’re cool” as long as you do as your leader instructs. The leader emerges rapidly from the kitchen shouting that the wretched FBI are on the outside of the house and want in. In his hands is a big bowl of chilled gelatin that he refers to as the blood of Christ, and says that after consumption communion will be complete and all will be transported to the ship behind the sun (which is now high in the sky). You eat the red gelatin and soon pass-out never to awaken. The cult is dead and so are you.

Conclusion: A very short-while after the suicide, the friend that went to bed early comes out of his room to get ready for work. He finds all of his close friends and his roommate laying on the floor with Nike shoes on, and bags over their heads. They are all dead. The FBI is not outside, and he is now forced to live with the image of a cult after it has self-destructed. He is the only friend that thought for himself and went to bed in time to get up for work. He is the only one still alive.

Where do you fall?

Stage 1: You are not in great danger of joining a cult.

Stage 2: You experiment with harmful drugs, and pose a threat yourself in the long run, but will probably not die in a cult suicide.

Stage 3: You are risking potential death by suicide, unless you follow the example of the friend that went to bed early.

Stage 4: You are in serious danger, and are very impressionable. You NEED to seek help soon.

Stage 5: You do not have your own brain. You are totally under the spell of a cult leader. There is no help for you. You are probably scheduling a mass-suicide right about now.

Mammoth community church to offer 24-hour customer service.

2005-03-16T19:59:00.000-06:00

So. Barrington, IL- "Shaping Christianity to better suit you!" This is the ad-slogan following the unveiling of Oak River Community Church's new 24-hour customer service center. The exceptionally large non-denominational Christian church now offers round-the-clock "Faith Support" as well as over-the-phone donation acceptance. This call center is the first to accompany any church, and is expected to catch on with many other mall-sized churches across the country.

The call-center is expected to generate 400 new jobs for un-paid volunteers that would like nothing more than to help out. Anne Morgan, one of the many who have already been accepted and trained by Oak River, commented on her new role at the church. "We, my husband and I, started coming about a year ago, and ever since then I have been wrangling with the other moms for space to really show how I can be a bigger part of this church. When they announced the new call center positions opening up I literally jumped at the chance. I can not wait to help all of these people I share the experience with week by week, in keeping their faith fun, suiting and intact."

The addition of the call center is expected to generate thousands of dollars a week in un-taxed revenue. The proceeds are to be put toward increasing the size of the church to accommodate more followers, as well as pay for a satellite that will broadcast television programs hosted by the church, and eventually a new biblically themed amusement park geared toward children, but ”fun for the whole family”.

Oak River, who records random calls into the center "for quality purposes", were happy to play for us some of their successful faith-healing conversations. The following seemed particularly effective:

Welcome to Oak River Community Church’s brand-new 24-hour call center, this message is proudly brought to you by the Starbuck’s Coffee Corporation. In up to ten minutes or more one of our trained specialists will be on the line to assist you…
[Elevator music]
[Portion of a recorded Starbuck’s commercial…]

Operator: Hello, this is operator #2371. My name is Kim. How may be of assistance today?
Caller: Yeah, my name is [omitted], and my family and I have been attending your church for about three years now. I first wanted to say we all think it’s really great what you guys are doing, by building this call center and all.
Operator: Here at Oak River Community Church your convenience and happiness are our number one goal. How may I help you today?
Caller: Yes, well about a week ago our house was broken into and robbed, and we did not have home owner’s insurance. And now... well... we are going to be late on our payments to the bank.
Operator: How has this truly unfortunate occurrence affected your faith in the lord Jesus Christ?
Caller: Oh, our faith is strong… as strong as ever. It’s just that the bank…
Operator: The most important thing to remember in these times of hardship is that the lord is always listening, and a little prayer can go a long way, but a big prayer goes even farther.
Caller: Right, I agree. But we really were hoping Oak River could help with paying…
Operator: Money is not useful in the house of the lord. The humble and poor man who is strong of faith will be rewarded ten-fold in the after-life.
Caller: But…
Operator: Thank you for supporting Oak River today. As always have a nice day.

The above caller opted to remain anonymous, and refused comment due to contractual obligations with Oak River, which bars it’s members from public statement regarding the church and all of it’s facilities unless approved of by the board of directors.

A spokes-person for Oak River Community commented in a press conference hosted Thursday that, "We want our customers, the loyal parishioners whom attend regularly, to know that our support for them is not limited to the time they spend inside the church. If you wake up in the middle of the night with a sudden urge to support Jesus Christ with a few extra dollars, or have a child doubting his dedication to the lord, we want you to know we are there. Maybe you simply can't fit some of the rules into your life comfortably. Let us know! We are always working to make Christianity a more convenient experience for you."

The church denied any additional inquiry into the nature of the new call-center, but did state that they whole-heartedly stand behind it, and feel this new addition will bring its congregation together much tighter then in years previous. They expect to have met and possibly exceeded all of their current financial goals by year’s end.

Evidence of Winged Jesus shocks nation, "Footprints-in-sand" photo a fake.

2005-03-01T11:27:00.000-06:00

The Christian faith took a major blow to its foundation Friday, when archeologists discovered an ancient rendering which appears to depict a teenage Jesus with his Earth parents, Mary and Joseph, along with an unidentified sibling. In the picture the rendition of Jesus shows a distinct pair of wings on his back, and his toes hovering just above the ground. If the drawing is accurate, Jesus wouldn't have left any foot-prints in the sand while carrying his followers, and therefore the photo would be fraud by default. The finding has generated uproar in all walks of the Christian Faith.

"We were as surprised as anyone to find the drawing", commented Dr. Leech, one of the many archeologists present at the dig during the discovery. "We weren't even looking for religious artifacts. We would have been happy with some clay bowls, but this...I mean, WOW!"

The copyright owner of the photograph and accompanying poem was not available for comment, which too many is an indication of guilt in itself. "Hey, I've been a Catholic all my life and have never doubted Jesus or my faith, “said long time Elgin resident Jack McNanne, "but if this guy doesn't speak up soon I'm taking the picture out of my wallet and tossing it. Man! I just can't believe it."

Nikki Sterling a student and cheerleader at Elgin's own St. Edward's High School proposed a different theory for the wings shown in the drawing, one that left open the possibility of the photo and poem holding onto its credibility. "I believe with all my heart that there was actually an angel standing behind Jesus at the time of the drawing, but wasn’t as tall or wide as Jesus so only his wings showed. His toes are off the ground, because he was...well... jumping with love for all of mankind!"

An insider from NBC has reported to us that both Jay Leno and Conan O’Brian have ordered last minute monologue updates in lew of the discovery. Printed here are excerpts from the upcoming broadcasts of both talk show programs.

Leno: “Wow! So the famous ‘footprints in the sand’ photo is a fake. That’s big news for Christians everywhere. Big news! That, and Jesus could fly! It’s unbelievable, unbelievable. Kind of makes you wonder about the whole walking on water thing, though, huh? ”

O’Brian: “So I’m sure you’ve all heard by now. Jesus had wings. It’s a very beautiful and awe-inspiring image, I think. Just imagine Jesus floating above his loving disciples, with the golden rays of the sun beaming down and reflecting off his big white robe. Truly an amazing image. I just have to wonder though; did they have underwear in those days? I mean… anything? Was he just flapping in the breeze under that thing?”

To some the news is not shocking or strange. A conspiracy theorist known in the underground as ‘DerF 2.1” posted to a newsgroup that he and a few cohorts have been saying this for years, and they believe the Vatican has been hiding this evidence all along. We contacted DerF via e-mail for a statement. He replied, “Man, you guys are on the tip of a very fragile ice-berg with this. The Vatican has been suppressing this information for centuries. Only we, in the underground, and maybe that Di Vinci dude knew. At least we were the only ones that had the balls to question. Those ‘milking cows’ sitting in the pews at masses, and oozing out their time and money for these religions, man, they don’t know. They don’t want to know. That’s not their role. They just sit in their rows giving milk for ever and ever, man. ‘Milking cows’, man, ‘milking cows’.”

Within his incoherent ramblings, DerF2.1 actually, mentioned something quite relevant. Di Vinci’s famous ‘Last Supper’ does not depict wings. With a recent resurgence of Di Vinci in pop-culture due mostly in part to The Di Vinci Code, his role in the legend of the Last Zion, as well as his tendency to include hidden references and “codes” in his painting, have been a popular topic of discussion. However, none of the texts refer to this aspect of the painting, or imply why he would have left the wings off intentionally. We checked into this more, and discovered something quite interesting. A day after the news of the discovery hit, a major publisher commissioned an un-named author to pen, The Di Vinci Hoax and a competing publisher commissioned Untold Di Vinci secrets. The two are set to be released around the same time, and hope to generate more interest in the fading topic. The only insight into the books at this time is a blurb from Untold Di Vinci Secrets promising, “Di Vinci was paid by the Vatican to leave the wings off!” Sounds like legions of people will flock to bookstores upon their release, to once again get thrown for a loop by these bold statements.

We contacted the Vatican hoping they would either explain why they didn’t know about the wings or just plain come clean. The Vatican did not respond with any comments, not even one declining comment. Most officials are expecting a public statement to come from them shortly. When the Vatican makes their official stand-point clear, it is expected that wings will be added to all current crucifixes adorning the structures of all Catholic Churches, and will be featured on new necklaces which are worn by most followers of the faith. However, it is not known at this time whether or not the old version of the crucifix will still be considered to hold any power or relevance

The news, however shocking, just may have an upside for organized religion. Michael Bracht, of Family First, an organization which specializes in “the development of materials useful in reaching children with a positive Christian message”, has just announced the first ‘Flying Jesus’ workbooks and play sets. The learning aides and toys are being made available to distributors as early as mid-June. “We are not wasting any time in rolling out our product. We can not miss a step with the kids. If all they see and hear are adults arguing about facts and the relevancy of the ‘footsteps’ photo, they might interpret their feeling in a way that yields doubt, and colors the lord in a negative way”, commented Bracht at a press conference held Friday afternoon. “The play sets and other visual aides will all feature an exciting winged Jesus, which will rival even the greatest super-heroes featured in other comic books and cartoons. We expect our fierce winged Jesus to be well-received by children of all ages.”

Many feel that as the initial blast of this discovery wears off, most Christians will slowly come around to the new image of their lord. As one anonymous believer put it,” I don’t understand what the big deal is. So he’s got wings now. So the ‘footprints’ photo is fake, and the poem is irrelevant. So what? His message is still the same. Get on with your lives, people.” The Elgin Report! Will keep you posted with any new developments. Until then, a winged Jesus is still Jesus, and if he ever carries you anywhere don’t look for footprints, because there apparently won’t be any.

Malcontents And Ne'er Do Wells Cause Global Inconveniences

2005-02-25T00:00:00.000-06:00

The ELGIN REPORT! has been following hot tips from bloggers worldwide. Apparently young groups of misguided ruffians have been terrorizing locals from Beijing to South Elgin. They call themselves The Green Apple Splatters or G.A.S. for short. What we've been told, is that these scallywags roam around different towns creating chaos, upheaval, and if nothing else, minor inconveniences. There have been reports of mail boxes smashed, deer made to look like their "fucking", garden gnomes completely disrespected, public toilets left unflushed, toilet paper haphazardly thrown into trees and covering houses, and even, I'm sorry to say, little bags of feces set aflame upon seemingly random door steps.

We were able to get in touch with an elderly man who, unfortunately, had to stomp out a flaming bag of excrement, completely ruining his favorite shoe.
This is what Mr. "Johnson" had to say: (names and text changed per family's request) "I was just sitting here one Tuesday, or was it Wednesday, or... well never mind. I was just sitting in my easy chair watching my shows, when out of nowhere, my doorbell started ringing like crazy. It took me so much by surprise that all I could think to do was shut the tele off and wave my arms all about over my head,like this(he proceeded to pantomime his actions). I had thought for sure that this is the end, you know the apocalypse. After regaining my composure I leapt up and ran to grab the little bastard who was befouling my door bell. About an arms reach from the the knob I heard someone, a younger someone, yell 'HEY! FUCK YOU! YOU OLD MOTHER FUCKER! YOUR OLD! YOU MOTHER FUCKER!' This sent me into 'Nam mode, I could have ripped the door right off the hinges! Strangely enough though, outside all that met me was an awful smell and, what appeared to be a little dumpling burning to a crisp. I was at a loss for words, and really have been living in fear since that night. And another thing......."

Mr. "Johnson" proceeded to babble on and on about dumplings and 'Nam for hours. Later on his wife informed me that he had never been in 'Nam, or any other war for that matter, and that all of his ramblings were entirely fictitious, except of course the bag of fiery poo.

The Splatter Dumpling Gang, as they will hence forth be called, have caused numerous vigilante groups to band together and take arms. This "uprising", though, has almost exclusively taken place in South Elgin, or as their residents patriotically call it, The Mother Land.

The "Dale Ernhardts" are one particularly pissed off group. Their neighborhood has been repeatedly 'fucked up by these little fuckers', says Clembert Gottfried the leader of the aforementioned clan. We talked with Clembert on his front porch, as he slowly rocked back and forth in his rocking chair, chewing on a piece of straw and casually polishing his shotgun.
Personally I don't like to use stereo types, but his neck was mighty red, to say the least.

Mr. Gottfried, formally know as Godfried, but shortly after being "born again" changed the spelling to avoid angering his newly found savior, and to avoid the general confusion his name created in the community; i.e. people 'holding his name on high' and baptizing their children with his hose, asking him to carry them across sandy beaches to see one set of footprints......Etc, Etc.
Mr. Gottfried holds weekly rallies to inform his followers of the latest shenanigans and tomfoolery the Splatter Dumpling Gang has committed. The ELGIN REPORT! was present at last weeks meeting, only to witness all the "Ernhardts" get drunk before noon, paint the number "3" on their chests and watch Nascar racing, drink more beer, all hug as a group, crying, while consoling each other that Dale Ernhardt really was "the man", and inevitably ended up beating the shit out of one another. I honestly can tell you that The Splatter Dumpling Gang never came up. Apparently this is what rides as "progress" in South Elgin.

The latest news about the S.D.G. is a report that was given to us from concerned citizen, local Jew, and known "worry wart" Jennifer Bergenstein. She has stated that all of Porta-Patti's brand porta-potties distributed throughout local parks, have been man handled and often completely tipped over, in some cases with very unlucky patrons still inside. This means that the S.D.G. has grown confident to the point of perpetrating these heinous acts in broad daylight. The police are utterly baffled and, as we found out, the vigilante groups can't even help themselves let alone save the city.

It has been brought to our attention that all, if not many, of the perps. can be anywhere between the ages of eight(8) and twenty five(25) so beware and be warned. It is advised that you contact your local authorities with any leads regarding these issues or to report any shady business in general. You just never know, you could save someone's new shoes, or lawn decorations and things of this nature, and possibly, maybe, even yours or someone you know, lives! Please refrain from taking matters into your own hands, well, unless you can find a....No, no, don't take matters into your own hands leave it to the professionals who will professionally try to resolve the situation in a professional way.

So, THE ELGIN REPORT! urges everyone to lock their doors, hide their children, be extremely cautious around public urinals, display lawn accessories at your own risk, and most importantly, DO NOT trust anyone under twenty five years of age!

For the next victim of the Splatter Dumpling Gang could be............YOU!!!

Stay safe and Stay alive! "jamming" Jason Gelato signing off.

Christians, semi perturbed

2005-02-24T01:10:00.000-06:00

Local Elgin resident up in arms over an up and coming Japanese restaurant called "Sushi".
The word first came my way when THE ELGIN REPORT! was doing our weekly gags for gifts benefit. The staff goes to various churches during peak worshiping hours and we tell jokes or "gags" and then hand out presents or "gifts". It's a working title. I guess it should be called "gags and gifts" or something along those lines, but I digress.

Trisha Maclamane approached me and demanded that I write an article about the current outrage and goings on. "Mr. Gelato, sir", Trisha sputtered red in the face. "I'm utterly outraged!", she proceeded without interjection. "There is a Japanese restaurant on the east side of town that is stealing our logo."
The story is that the restaurant in question, "Sushi", has chosen to use a fish on their marquee. Completely suiting for a sea food restaurant, but it is coincidentally the wildly popular symbol of the Christian faith.
Hence the outrage.

When reached for comment, the owner of "Sushi", Mr. Makamatsu, stated, "AHHHSOO,AHHSOO, Chlistians not happy unress they're compraning. Silly Chlistians."
Having no idea what Mr. Makamatsu just said I nodded politely and ordered a coke. Digging deeper I asked, "What gave you the idea for your logo?"
Mr. Makamatsu could barely contain himself as he responded, "Me Chinese, me pray joke, me put pee pee in your coke!"
"Mr. Makamatsu PLEASE! That is NO way to run a business! Hey, isn't sushi Japanese anyway?" Flustered, Mr. Makamatsu quickly ended the interview.

After violently up-chucking in the beautifully decorated men's room I decided to hit the streets and do some good old fashioned sleuthing, or "jamming" as I call it.
Rummaging through various garbage cans and alley ways turned up nothing except angry raccoons and even angrier homeless people. Bloodied, bruised, and down right dejected, I went back to the church where this nonsense began.

I was shocked to find Trisha just chatting up a storm with Mr. Makamatsu.
"Trisha!?! What's the big deal, I thought you two were angry with each other?"
"Who, me and old Maka here? NOOOO. I was angry before I talked to him, but now I think he's a stand up citizen. Yeah, I figured that the Christian thing to do would be to actually talk to him before completely damning him and his store to hell. You know W.W.J.D., and surprisingly we have a load of stuff in common."

Only Satan himself could know the rage that had built up inside of me after hearing this. Not every story can be a Pulitzer prize winner though, or even lead any where for that matter.
Se la vie.

Trisha Makamatsu and her husband can be seen frequenting local churches, telling anyone who will listen, the joys of married life and of their newly formed religion based upon this union-Buddistianity. They plan to open a chain of restaurants celebrating both, their love for sushi, and their lifestyle which consists of constant prayer and meditation or "prayeritation" as they refer to it.

Well, we here at the ELGIN REPORT! wish them both happiness and longevity. Actually, Gene wishes happiness and I wish longevity, despite the fact that they wasted my day, possibly a good story, and about 30,000 dollars of tax payers money.

Signing off, this is "jamming" Jason Gelato.
"Keeping my ear to the streets and my pen to the paper."

Mono-sexuals- The 'IT' lifestyle of 2005?

2005-02-15T14:00:00.000-06:00

"There was a time when people went to bars to meet others, and to get laid. There was a time when single people were always secretly looking for that special person that would make them un-single. That time is over!" Fashionable Human editor, Brink Montgomery jovially told our reporters Wednesday after a fashion show at the Hemmen's Auditorium. "Single people, good-looking independent and proud, will be the trend for 2005. We're coming for you, couples. We're gonna look better, were gonna act better, and were gonna screw better. And were doing it all by ourselves!"

Apparently the metro-sexual is out and the mono-sexual is in. Brink and Fashionable Human aren't the only ones placing their bets on the mono-sexual. One of the Elgin Report!'s very own reporters caught a blurb slipped very surreptitiously in with a home-makeover show. One of the (obviously single) male designers based their entire theme on mono-sexuality. The husband and wife whom lived in the house were not impressed, and vocalized their displeasure on the show. We decided to track down Rob and Rita Langenford of Flagstaff, Arizona. They were happy to enlighten us with their thoughts on mono-sexuals.

"The designer can shove his paint cans up his ass for all I care. I mean what was he thinking designing our house with some trendy single's style." Said Rob, "Look I know young people are always trying to do something fresh and new to distinguish themselves from the previous generation, but what does that have to do with me? I'm 34 and married for Christ's sake!" Rob seemed more interested in complaining about the show, then explaining why he hated the concept of a mono-sexual. We looked to Rita Langenford to elaborate. "What's a mono-sexual?"

Rita posed an interesting question. What is a mono-sexual? Elgin Report! decided to get to the bottom of what literally defined mono-sexuality, and what set it apart from all other sexualities. We contacted Gent Reedy, a popular columnist for Styles and Trends Magazine. He was happy to shed light on the definition of mono-sexual. "It's really simpler then you might think. I mean, it just might be the simplest style of all- single people going out without any intention of meeting anyone. No stress of actually having to talk to the opposite sex. No worries about looking good for anyone else. No reason not to feel good about staying home and watching movies by yourself. If someone does ask you out, you simply respond with, ‘Sorry, I'm singularly involved right now’. It's so simple it's beautiful."

We located a mono-sexual in Elgin, IL who has been making waves in the local bar scene. Josh Newman, 24 and a self-described Mono-sexual, had much to say on the topic, "Look I used to think it was lame to be single all the time. I actually envied my friends that could get dates and maintain relationships. Now I'm proud of what is considered insecure or lame by most people." Josh continued, "People still come up to me and ask how I can live without any sort of romance in my life. I have to laugh. Every night is romantic for me if I want it to be." He was happy to elaborate. "Well, in the morning before work I set up the scene. I lay flower petals, dim all of the lights, and play a romantic cd on repeat. Then I have a terrible day at work, and forget all about it. I come through the door practically ready to just call it quits. That is until I see the dim lighting, and the petals, and decide to see what else I have in store me. I light some candles, and slip into a hot bubble bath. There my problems literally melt away. After the bath I come out and eat a romantic dinner by candle-light. After the dinner I work myself into the bedroom where I drape my nude body in oil, and attempt as best I may to massage myself. After that I'm definitely in the mood, so I reach in the drawer..."

Josh actually gave us a window into the mentality of the mono-sexual. Up until Josh we were not sure whether we had a simple and fleeting trend on our hands or a whole new lifestyle choice. We had a hunch that the confusion stemmed from a split. We suspected that some people are mono-sexual because it is hip, and some people are mono-sexual because they are incapable of handling "bi-sexual" relationships (i.e. more then one person involved). We had a sound theory, but decided to look to Dr. Jordan Mellow, a leading sociologist whom specializes in new trends and their cause and effect relationship with society, for a more scientifically based analysis.

"What we have here is a very tricky situation for a scientist to tackle. There is no Rosetta stone to fall back on. Mono-sexual is a wholly new phenomenon. Then again, perhaps it is not new, only the title is new. I myself have known many many wonderful individuals over the years that just never seemed to hit it off with anyone in a romantic way. Maybe they were insecure. Maybe they just didn't like what they saw in others. It's really not for me to say. I will say though, that the term mono-sexual would have definitely been a succinct way to describe these people's lifestyles. So the term is new, but the lifestyle is not."

We wondered if the doctor was saying then that all of these mono-sexuals that have been coming out of the wood-work lately are in fact the real deal, and not just young people jumping on the newest band-wagon. "I'm not saying they are all for real. Oh no, definitely not. What I am saying though, is that many people have been living this way for ages. I believe they call it, singularly involved. Once the mainstream gets a hold of something new though, they lambaste the public with their commodified version, and things dramatically change for the worst. A lot of people that just don't have a strong personality of their own will gladly stand in line to buy whatever they are selling. So yes, hipsters or posers or whatever people choose to call them, will present themselves as being the coolest smoothest and most beautiful of the mono-sexuals, but it is important to remember one thing. Scientifically speaking, they are doing it to get laid, and that is not mono-sexual at all."

We were still left with one puzzling thought. Are people born mono-sexual, do they become mono-sexual, or is it all just a weak excuse for poor communication skills? "Are they born with it? Let's see. All emotional and physical traits which we develop and exude over time are a direct result of the functions of our brain. The brain we are born with is the same brain we have our entire lives. So who is to say whether the aspect of the brain which eventually lends one's self to a singular life-style is or isn't present at birth? Right now we just don't have conclusive evidence. My personal opinion is that a lot of people, but not all, are mono-sexual because they are confused. All people; however, have a very real and biological trait which is directly responsible for their lifestyle choice, whether they are mono-sexual, bi-sexual, or just plain non-sexual."

Dr. Jordan Mellow is continuing his research into the world of the mono-sexual, and is hoping to find valid and final proof one way or the other. As for the Elgin Report!, we will leave the reader to make up their own minds. We just hope everyone remembers that bi-sexuals and mono-sexuals have been getting along for ages, as Dr. Mellow inferred, and there is no reason why the simple advent of a title needs to change that. This might come as a surprise, but one of the Elgin Report!'s very own staff is a mono-sexual. "Jamming" Jason Gelato, is now and has always been, one-hundred percent single. We are damn proud of him.

A new ribbon in support of all colored ribbons, scheduled to hit the streets in mid '05.

2005-01-27T19:14:00.000-06:00

While driving down the congested motorways of modern times, one can not help but notice the often brightly colored symbols of unity and peace which adorn almost every vehicle on the road. Car owners nationwide have taken the next step in securing peace, freedom, and happiness by banding together in support of curing all physical and social diseases. Everything from anti-war to the soldiers in war, to the soldiers that died in war, from breast cancer to blindness to the cure for old age, all are represented by a magnetic ribbon displaying each problems' own special color. When walking on the street and passing all the parked cars, it is near impossible not to get caught up in the goodness too. Has this never been you? "Gee, that light blue ribbon sure is cute. It must mean the cure for frowns, because now I can't stop smiling." Its ok you can admit it. Most of us will.

Gloria Gladleitner, a 31 year-old spinster and long time Elgin resident is best known around town for being "the lady with a shitload of ribbons on her car". We decided to get Gloria's story, since she seemed to love them more then anyone. "I started out with just a breast cancer ribbon. My cousin got breast cancer, and I wanted to show my support anyway I could. Then I saw the 'God Bless the USA' ribbons, and figured I should show my hatred for terrorists, and my love for my country. Honestly, I didn't want to be the only one that wasn't showing it. After that I picked up a ribbon supporting soldiers, and then a ribbon supporting the color pink, because I 'think pink'. I guess it was the pink ribbon that really gave me the bug. After that I just started buying them every time I saw a new one was out. Friends and family started giving them to me as gifts. I became known as the 'ribbon lady'. When I turned thirty my best-friend bought me a novelty ribbon that said 'Support a cure for virginity'. It was embarrassing, but funny and suiting. I put that one on the roof next to 'Support the Moon', and 'Support fast-food victims'. I put all the ribbons that are self-deprecating, stupid, or otherwise pointless on the roof where less people will see them." We then asked about the possibility of a ribbon-less future. "Gosh, I don't know what I would do. I guess maybe I'd start collecting those colored bracelets I've been seein' the kids wearing. The cancer bracelets."

As we stared into the multi-colored surface of Gloria's '77 Ford Gremlin, we couldn't help but feel a little bit like David Bowman as he made the fascinating voyage through the mysterious monolith, in Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey. The monolith represented an alien force which brought about dramatic evolutionary leaps on Earth. Are the ribbons becoming a very non-alien force, but with the same potential evolutionary impact? Could they be taking us on a voyage of their own, to a future where all disease is eradicated, aging has ended, everyone is monetarily rich, and death no longer exists? It is hard to imagine, but there is a flipside to all these beautiful ribbons lighting up our days with smiles, and thoughts of good health. What will happen when all the cures are discovered, when all the money and time and ribbon wearing has come to fruition, and the day is saved for the sick? What will happen to our friend, the magnetic ribbon, then?

"In a perfect world, is there not room for a colored ribbon too?!" This is the question asked by the 'Support Colored Ribbons In A Perfect Future!' campaign. Betty Thomas, 45 and a self-described full-time mom, started the campaign in late 2004. I was Windexing our glass-topped coffee tables, and just thinking about all kinds of different things going on in the world. I had just recently voted in the presidential election and was wondering if my choice to help keep Bush in office was a good one. I mean, what if he finally ends this war and then, like, starts another one or something. Then I would feel really bad about voting for him. I just didn't want to change up in the middle of the game, you know? Well, anyways I was thinking about all the different ribbons that were popping up, and how much I really appreciated the way the more obscure ribbons brought my attention to things like blindness and mental retardation, that I didn't know were still a major problem in this country. I myself am the proud owner of three ribbons. One for the U.S., one for the soldiers, and one for my kids' soccer team, The Charger. It just hit me all of the sudden, we need a ribbon celebrating all colored ribbons!"

Jean Mellon, Mrs. Thomas's right-hand woman, and the person whom some have credited as the brains of the operation, gave more insight. "I overheard Betty talking about a 'Ribbon to celebrate all ribbons' during a pot-luck at church. I suddenly became overwhelmed with the idea that these ribbons could actually succeed in saving us, and then suddenly disappear out of a lack of necessity. Think about the irony. Then I looked up at the giant crucifix hanging from the ceiling and experienced a connection with the lord. Jesus Christ was born on earth to save us from our sins, and at the same moment of his own execution at the hands of the very men he was saving. I could not deny the obvious comparison with what these ribbons are doing for us today. It became clear at that moment, that these ribbons may very well be the second coming, and should be heralded as such. Our successors in the perfect future must understand their importance!"

Many of the ribbon supporters, including this very news station, do not necessarily believe these ribbons are the secondcoming of Christ himself, but do recognize how important they have been to mankind in the last couple months. If Jean and Betty are successful with their campaign they will have enough financing to start creating the "Ribbon of all Ribbons" (color not yet decided on), by the end of February, and the ribbon should be on the street for sale and placement on cars by June /July. Hopefully the country will band together just one more time in support of our bright little friend, the magnetic support ribbon.

The H.I.A.'s First Coup, Part 1.

2005-01-27T03:25:00.000-06:00

It has been over twenty years since films like Star Wars and Jaws graced the silver screen and set new standards for the profitability of major motion pictures. These early blockbusters there-by set a precedent, not only in financial terms of what investors could earn from a movie, but also in terms of the way the public viewed Hollywood, and what the public came to expect from Hollywood. For instance the more money a special-effects flick made, the more money went into the next special effects flick, and theoretically, the more willing people would be to see it . (The shark was big that time, but look how big he is now.) In turn the more special-effects driven these films became, the more glossed over they seemed. However the American public was not complaining about a lack of grittiness, a lack of substance. The glossiness became a staple of Hollywood productions. The films were selling like krispy-kremes.

Then the eighties happened. Toward the end of the decade a generation of new film-makers was reverting to counter-culture techniques of bucking the mainstream studios. They were making movies that had no special effects, no known stars, and no budgets to speak of. And the films were good- Too good. If Hollywood films symbolized America, then the independents symbolized the evil freedom-hating terrorists. Only these independent film-makers of the late eighties were not making waves with mainstream cinema goers, and video renters. They were appealing to generations of younger would-be film-makers and actors, paving the way for their successors and a large scale front against Hollywood's long-standing regime in the industry of movie making. When this front began to take form, naturally it did not sit well with the powers that be, as it allowed for a possible "demographics gap" in ticket buyers of the future. What would come of Hollywood's films if suddenly a large percent of children that would one day be teenagers with jobs, and eventually adults with careers, stopped paying money to see these expensive movies?

Instead of targeting those already pubescent and possibly affected by the independents, Hollywood did something else. The H.I.A. (Hollywood Intelligence Agency), only six years old at this point, was called in for a large scale manipulation of young children's minds. What better way to kill the opposition then to cut them off at their source. The H.I.A. needed to start somewhere, and what could be more fitting then... Showbiz Pizza?!

Seems awful, but it is true.

Our facts come straight from the agency’s own in-house history. The details of this first coup are only available because of a leak to the New York Times in 2001. If it was not for this leak, much of what we now know about the coup would still be secret today.

Tune in shortly for the second installment in, The H.I.A.'s First Coup.

Shout heard 'round the hood

2005-01-22T01:00:00.000-06:00

Chicago, IL- Jennifer Thompdaughter formerly of Elgin, IL recently made a loud exclamation out of her second floor apartment window, "I'M NOT ABSTINENT, DAMMIT!" Many People below on the street and near-by porches were left puzzeled, and confused. "I was pushing my one year old in the stroller, coming home from the market, when I heard her. I didn't know what to think honestly." Commented long time Hyde Park resident Jameklia Right, 37 "I mean, It's not like she shouted an explanation afterward. Just, I'm not abst'nt or some shit. That was it."

Jon Tote, 24 was sitting on a porch down the street, when the shout occurred. "I was smokin' you know, and like just kickin it, cuz it was a nice day out. All of the sudden I hear some chick screamin about how she ain't abstinent. I was like Hell nah! Bitch is a straight slut!"

Angela Brightman, wife of Rev. Brightman the leader of the First Baptist Community Church of the Light AND the Way of Jesus Christ, was walking her dog in front of Ms. Thompdaughter's window when the "Slutty shout" was made. Mrs. Brightman continued, "I was apalled. At first I thought she was holding a gun and yelled, 'Oh lord She'll kill us all!'. Then I realized my panic was a bit hasty as she was merely holding a chordless phone. However what is more important about Jennifer, God Bless her soul, is that she is an example of her generation. When I was her age you did not ever say the word S-E-X. Such talk was saved for your husband and ONLY when used in reference to the act of love in which a child is brought into the world. I pray every night for the future of God's green earth and all of his children which walk upon it." Mrs brightman added, "did I mention she had a very slutty voice."

In order to hopefully bring a sense of order to all of this we contacted a leading doctor active in the field of sexual frustration, Dr. Bungalow. "The state of mind of a person who is experiencing such frustration, in which they eventually lash out, or this case scream out... the window, is that of a person who is probably not a slut. I know this may come as a surprise to many people who may have heard the woman or are reading this news story. However, the expression also implies that while the person is not a slut at that moment, they definitely want to be a slut, and they want everyone to know that they want to be a slut. This is my professional opinion. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but in this case considering she shouted it out a window while gripping something in her hand tightly, implies she is most definitely a closet-slut. A classic case even."

After camping out in our van across the street from Jennifer's apartment, we finally spotted her leaving and flagged her down. She seemed very surprised that we were doing a news story. So surprised that she did not believe we were from the news. After finally convincing her that the news was definitely not a joke to us, she conceded to make a statement defending her actions. "Look, I was talking to a friend of mine over the phone. She was telling me I don't go out enough, and that I needed to meet guys. I said I wasn't looking for that right now, but she persisted and started mocking me. She called me abstinent out of friendly sarcasm. I just got caught up in the conversation. I didn't even realize that people out on the street even heard me. Seriously. It was nothing."

We informed Jennifer of the effect her shout had on the neighborhood and that it wasn't "nothing" to some people, and she reluctantly agreed to shout an apology out her window at roughly the same time in the afternoon as the last shout. The apology shout is scheduled for next tuesday, so if you or a loved one were affected by the first shout then please feel free to wander in front of her window at approximately 3:30 in the PM.

Happy People City-Wide Rally To Take 'GAY' Back

2005-01-21T22:36:00.000-06:00

Since the word ‘GAY’ first started transforming in the English language to mean homosexual, many die-hard users of the word’s initial meaning of happy or jolly have met with the often painful consequences of confusion. “It’s hard to just let a word die when it means so much to your daily exclamations.” said retired steel-worker James Jackson, 79 of Elgin, IL, “I felt gay as hell when I heard about all the young people banding together to stop this un-Godly oppression of nice honest straight people.”

In 2003 alone there were as many as five or six incidences of people being beaten, slandered, or killed out of hatred for homosexuals, only later to find out that these people weren’t homosexual at all, just happy. “I was just walking out of the convenience store down the street from my house, skipping slightly and smiling, because I’d just won five bucks on a scratch and win.” States Ken Russo, 29 “Some guys in lettermen jackets were leaning on a pick-up truck watching me. At first I paid them no mind, but then they started taunting me. One asked why I was so gay, like it disgusted him, and then spit brown stuff on the ground. At first it didn’t occur to me that he meant homosexual, as my parents raised me to believe it was ok to be proud of your gayness [read: happy]. Next thing I know they’re kicking the living piss out of me. Luckily the shop owner had seen me in his store with my wife on many occasions, and knew I wasn’t a homosexual. He ran out and shewed them off with a broom.” Ken suffered three broken ribs and a fat lip that night.

Something else snapped in Ken though. It was a week to the day after leaving the hospital that he started “Operation: Take Gay Back”. He hit the streets first with fliers, and then by rounding up "good honest straight citizens" to form picket lines in front of the bookstore in town that sold the dictionary (recently appended to include an additional definition referring to homosexuals). Eventually a parade planned, as well as a website to hopefully take the operation coast to coast and then international.

At the last picket line, Elgin Report! was there, camera’s rolling, to record this amazing moment in the history of happy people. Jane Ward was one of the picketers we could hear the loudest. “I have been behind Ken and what he is trying to do since I first heard his story at church, while he was still in the hospital. When he started OPERATION:Take Gay Back. I knew I had to stand up and finally come out of the closet with my feelings on this.” Jane continued, “I too have been harassed for my use of the word gay, but with me it wasn’t homophobes it was the damn homos themselves. One night the girls and I found ourselves in a bar outside of town called Clam-Bake or something. The door out front said ‘No Dicks Allowed’ so it seemed like a good place for a few honest straight gals to have a couple drinks and mingle, expecting of course for there to be no jerks around. It turned out it was an “all-women” kind of bar. A beefy gal with a buzz-cut and only one earring asked if I was having fun yet. I said, Oh yeah I’m having a gay old time! The next thing I know she’s got her hand riding up my thigh. I screamed RAPE! As loud I could and ran out of the place. I didn’t feel gay or even smile for weeks after that night. All I wanted to do was shower. I thought I’d never feel clean again. If you ask me it's them homosexuals that are causing all of this. Why couldn't they just be happy with queer and fag, why'd they have to take Gay too?!”

There is a GAY AND PROUD parade scheduled for May of 2005 which will begin in downtown Elgin. Ken and his troops hope all the people in town who still cherish what he believes is "the only true meaning of ‘gay’" will come out in support of this cause. The parade is scheduled to culminate in Abbot Field on the West Side where they will have amassed hundreds of purchased or donated dictionaries. At dusk the dictionaries will be set ablaze as a statement, which Ken hopes will reach even the "most close-minded meanie".
*The views expressed by those interviewed do not necessarily reflect those of the news station.

Big City Blogger Comes Home, Dismal Welcome Party

2005-01-21T21:10:00.000-06:00

Elgin, IL – J-To, self-proclaimed blog-enator, and writer of the hit blog, “Blog and the City”, came back to her humble home town of Elgin, IL last weekend. The author’s blog has amassed a large fan-base in the short six-months since it’s initial inception in July. J-To’s fans come from all over Chicago, and some are even from other near-by counties. Every week eager readers log on to read the exploits which dance around J-To’s (mis)adventures with men, the workplace, and the city itself. This past weekend marked the fabled blogsters first return to Elgin since she’s made a name for herself through the web-log community.

We spotted J-To sitting alone in a diner thanks to an anonymous tip from a ‘friend’, and our own Gene Lancaster had the chance to grab an impromptu interview.

We asked why she was alone and not surrounded by friends or family. “It’s the weirdest thing, I guess at first my friends and family read my blog, and sometimes all together, but after a while they started noticing when I wrote about them or an instance with them. Soon they weren’t returning my calls or e-mails. I just assumed they were intimidated by my rising star, apparently they were mad at me. This actually came as a shock to J-TO.

When asked if she was surprised at her lack of celebrity status among residents of Elgin she responded, “I was planning on playing the modest role the whole way here…going over in my head what I would say to sound like I was still the down-to-earth gal everyone remembers...like, my celebrity hasn’t changed me kind-a-thing.” Yes J-To we get it.

We had heard enough from J-To, and concluded our interview. This didn’t seem to go over well with her. She kept talking and talking about her columns, I believe I overheard her mention she was planning on using her possible romantic entanglements and social whoopses during the trip home for at least two weeks worth of blogs. Apparently that idea went out the window as fast as we were heading out the door saying, “Goodbye J-TO... Goodbye!”

Yes, for J-To it has been a dismal welcome party indeed, as well as an all to real re-entrance into the world of us “common folk” . We hope this sends a message to other bloggers of the like, that, Hey! Just because you are someone to a bunch of digital usernames does not mean you are someone to the real people that actually populate the earth. So bloggers everywhere beware, no one really knows who you are, and the people that do just might be mad by now.